Dad was an asshole. Now what?

Apr 30, 2022 | Forgiveness, Time to Heal

Once upon a time there was a little girl (me) who was a total people pleaser. She tried to make everyone in her life happy. 
She thought that if she just did that, she could finally be happy. 

And voila! It worked. 😀

For 2.5 microseconds. 😟

But then life would happen. Again. Cards would fall, and she’d be scrambling to put happy back together.

Oh, how much energy this little girl wasted looking for safety and love outside of herself. But she was innocent. It was what she knew. 

She was taught that in order to be safe, she needed to please her bitter, angry and resentful dad. After all, that’s what her mom did. 

She had no idea how to build a loving and kind relationship with herself. In other words, she (I) didn’t even know what she didn’t know. 

So, the last thing on her mind was forgiveness – of herself! 

Ya triggered yet? 

Whatever you were taught when you were a child is what you grow up to think love is.

Think about your life. What were you taught about love? 

  • Did you have to earn love? 
  • Did your happiness depend on your mom or dad being happy?
  • Were you shamed when you expressed love (or any other myriad of feelings)?

I grew up chasing after emotionally unavailable people – especially men. I was innocent. I know that now. But then, I was desperate for them to love me – just like my dad. And if they did? Oh man, I’d feel anxiety out the wazoo. So, I’d tell myself they were idiots or weak or losers. And I’d send their proverbial butts packing. 

It was them, not me. Right? 

But truthfully, at my core, I didn’t think that I was lovable. And feeling vulnerable? Fahhhhget about it. That was just scary. 

My self-imposed rejection happened a bajillion times in my young life. I just kept slogging through all that messy heartbreak and disappointment. 

Looking back, I now know my worth depended on how other people saw me. 

And with all the insanity and hurt people in this world, that belief totally sucked. 

Worse yet, forgiving myself was nowhere on my radar UNTIL I finally saw how I was abandoning and rejecting myself. 

Soooo, where to  begin?

How about starting with “I forgive myself for not forgiving myself.”

I realized that I needed to forgive myself for:

  • All the times I’ve given hall passes to other people being assholes. 
  • Not thinking I deserved any better.
  • Going into freeze responses and not being able to face the bully’s or even to acknowledge that I’ve been gut punched with their hurtful actions.
Anything you don’t have peace with can be healed and transformed with the power of forgiveness. 

But, as I learned, forgiving yourself is often easier said than done.

You have to accept that forgiveness is a choice. Do you want to keep blaming others for how you feel? Or do you want to move forward creating a life you love?

Being able to see how you got to where you are is a gift. What happened? Why? When you think about those times as a child, how did you feel? 

But knowing is just step 1. The next step is to clear all that shame, guilt, pain and struggle that you’ve unknowingly carried. 

To forgive yourself, you have to feel compassion, kindness, and understanding. 

That’s how you learn how to do the heavy lifting of forgiveness. 

It often takes time, patience, love, and compassion.

Only when you finally forgive yourself can you forgive others. It happens automatically. 

Here’s some things you can do to help make that happen:

  • Give yourself permission to recognize the feelings that were and still are triggered in you. 
  • Accept those feelings. Welcome them. 
  • Get pissed. Go into the anger. Journal and give it a voice. Get that shit out so you can process it. Skipping this step and pretending you’ve forgiven the other person because that’s what a “good girl” or “good boy” would do is NOT forgiveness.
  • Picture yourself at the age you were hurt. Feel compassion for her/him. See the hurt. Open your heart. Give her love like you would an innocent, sweet puppy. Now do the same for someone in your life who hurt you. 

Maybe you resist forgiving someone else because you want to punish them. 

Maybe you think it will protect you from being hurt again. 

Or maybe you won’t forgive yourself because if you do you’ll keep doing that shitty thing. 

Maybe you think you’ll allow others to treat you poorly because you forgave them.

Truth is, none of that is true! 

That’s your ego telling you that you need to hold a grudge in order to stay safe. But really, you’re just keeping all that negative energy alive. When you let go of that inner scorecard, you can start to nurture your inner self. 

If you can’t forgive yourself or others, don’t worry about it. You’re just being shown what’s coming up for you to heal. Often I needed support from my Energy Healers to move through the big stuff. Contrary to what some people believe, getting support makes you human and smart.

By bringing loving awareness to your pain, you can see what’s really hurting you.

You begin to see the truth. You realize your hurt isn’t about them. There’s no need to forgive them because you no longer see what they did through the lens of your pain. 

Author Chuck Spezzano writes in his book “If it hurts, it isn’t love.

“It’s not love that hurts. It’s the mistakes we make in love that cause us hurt. What hurts is not love itself, but rather our unloving actions and reactions, the conditions we place on love, the fear that we are not loved, our resistance to being loved, and even our lack of faith in love.”

That little girl (oh me) who kept trying to make other people happy? She didn’t see this. 

As a kid, she couldn’t. She was just trying to survive with what she was being taught. (#YouToo?)

As time went on, being valued felt uncomfortable (like when she sent those men packing cuz they liked her). Those nice guys conflicted with her insecurities that she formed early on as a kid. She had to see that first. 

Here’s something David Emerald says about forgiveness in his book The Power of TED:

“Forgiveness is giving up the hope of having a better past. Letting go of the unrealistic hope of righting the past creates an opening to forgive and create a new future.”

I always say, forgiveness is hard … until it isn’t. 

Be gentle with yourself. Like all of the 7.73  billion people on this planet, you make mistakes in your life. You’re beautifully human. Give yourself permission to accept your feelings. Only then can you free yourself and move forward to living a life you love.

In the Journey to Your Center membership site, you’ll find over a year’s worth of mind-blowing content with powerful techniques, videos, meditations, and coaching to help you hone your skills and change your life –– all in the freaking best way possible. ❤️🤯❤️ 

And each month we add new topics, Inner Circle Healing Sessions, Journal to Your Center Session, Energy Transmissions, and Deep Dive Healing Sessions. 💥

You deserve to face the shit that’s bothering you and to be FULLY seen for the love that you are, so you can finally see it for yourself. 

That’s what we do here with #TeamLove and it’s absolutely magical. 💖
Don’t wait another day. I’ve got you. Learn more and apply here.

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Rita is an Intuitive Counselor who works with bright sensitive people who are sick of struggling in their relationships and want to make the pain go away. Though her in-person and online intimate healing retreats and one-on-one sessions, she has helped thousands of people quiet the noise, move forward, and make peace with their past and their present, so that they can heal, be happier, and live a life they love.

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